Eulogies

     Pastor Mark Wilkins gave warm and loving opening prayers.  He is Jean's Pastor and he was great with all of us.

     Jean opened her eulogy by telling us we were going to laugh....and we did.  Jean shared wonderful memories with us.  She listed spontaneous adventures she went on with Laura:  Trip to Germany, Woodstock (Jean didn't go but Laura did), The Price is Right, white water rafting, and a cruise.  She told us how they drove around the Grand Canyon and took pictures.  At first they would get out to take the pictures.  Then they took them from the car.  And finally they took them from the car while slowing down and not stopping.

     Jean told us about the time her dresser fell on her and how Laura slid down it before telling anyone Jean needed help.

     She shared with us the story about how she gave an elderly lady a pair of her sweats to wear on a plane ride.  And how much she really loved her job at Southwest Airlines.

     Laura had a beautiful smile and often laughed until she cried.  That is a very fond memory for all of us.

     This is Becky's Eulogy:

     For those of you who don't know me, I am Rebecca Hines, Laura's oldest sister. I would say I was her favorite, but we all know that's a damn lie. Which is lovely, because Jean and I were both honored to have been her sisters.

     I stole 2 t-shirts from Laura: One was from The Albuquerque Isotopes, she got it when she visited the Hot Air Balloon Festival in New Mexico. The second was from the Netflix show "Arrested Development," which said "There is always money in the banana stand." When I knew I was going to see Laura at a family event, I would wear one of these shirts because, well, occasionally I can be a smart ass. She would say to me, "Hey, you stole that shirt" and I would say "Yep." I think she asked for them back 2 or 3 times and then just stopped asking, instead giving a little chuckle when she saw me wearing them again.

     Laura loved going to garage sales and thrift shopping. She scored some of the most incredible finds I've ever seen. She had a knack for seeing the beauty in someone else's junk: She would bring home a crappy looking chair and paint it--or convince Jean to paint it--and it would be transformed into something beautiful. Laura saw the beauty in life where others wouldn't think to look.

     As far as younger sisters go, Laura was really pretty good. On extremely rare occasions I would, as a proper firstborn, create a perfectly sane and reasonable rule, and Laura usually followed and went with the flow. For example, she would always wash her feet in the Barbie pool before getting into our 12-inch inflatable pool, unlike some other swimmers--Jean. (Glare at Jean)

     Laura was a prankster who gave as good as she got. I opened her fridge the other day and nearly jumped out of my skin because I saw a huge cockroach. It was plastic, and of course she got me.

     One of the things I loved most about Laura is that she remembered every single inside joke she ever had with you, even ones from years ago, and would recall them again for a good, hearty belly laugh. I have to tell you, the funniest thing on the face of the earth is a hot dog wearing earrings. You should also know that Rule #1 is Laura's in charge.

     Laura loved going to the movies. I swear we spent one entire summer going to the drive-in. One night, Laura and I went to the drive-in and took Jimmy's dog with us. We realized that it looked like we were taking our dog to see "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective" to watch the movie and we laughed our heads off. I remember that was a beautiful summer day, and we sang our hearts out to Paradise City while driving down the road.

     Laura introduced me to the goodness of ankle boots, in fact I loved all of her boot styles. She had a couple of shirts I hated, mainly because they were animal prints. She could wear any hat and it would look great on her.

     She never made fun of my hobbies, which is really quite an admirable feat. She would always ask about new projects, sharing some very interesting ideas. I always loved her creative house projects, she was a walking Pinterest board before Pinterest was a thing.

     When Alex was about 6 months old, she insisted she could change his diaper for me. He was squirrely and stronger than she thought, and she was inexperienced; it was a comical struggle that looked like a laughing hyena was trying to put a diaper on a caffeinated octopus. The thought of it still makes me laugh.

     Laura and I had lots of strange things in common. We both detest Phil Collins, yes, including "In The Air Tonight." Phil Collins is the worst, Laura agreed with me.

     While we were looking for pictures in her house, I found four rolls of duck tape in different colors. Her rolls were identical to ones I have and her most-used roll was the one with the mustaches. It is also my favorite.

     Laura was a special kind of mother. It was her joy to introduce her children to new places, new activities. If there was a festival or a park, Laura was going with the girls. She wanted to show the girls the world, that there was so much to explore and love.

     Laura could talk to anyone for any reason. She could approach people with grace and ease. Laura smiled with her whole face, it always warmed your heart a little every time she was giving it to you. Some of our favorite times were me, Jean and Laura sitting around a kitchen table, spoon in each hand, digging into a carton of ice cream and laughing and laughing and laughing. Some of those were the best smiles, late at night, shared between sisters.

     Daphne, Erin, Tessa, Mom, Dad, Jean: When I say my heart breaks for you, I mean this--I have so much love, joy and happiness in my heart for Laura, that I take a tiny part of your pain and carry it for you. I relieve a small bit of your burden so your heart has a little more room for Laura's love.

     Laura, my beautiful baby sister, I will miss you every day. But I make this promise to you: That we will surround your girls with love, and kindness, and your gentle spirit for all the days of their lives. Sweetie, we'll take good care of them. I love you Snootchie.

     Jill, from Southwest Airlines gave a lovely speech about how much Laura was loved by her fellow workers.

     Julie Farrar gave another funny eulogy and reminded us all how she was as a little girl and neighbor.  Julie told us about pranks and lots of fun the Ward girls and the Wagner girls had together.  We laughed a lot!

     Owen told the story about the time when Jean and Laura were in Germany and Laura wanted a croissant.  Jean bought her one and when Laura bit into it, she discovered it had a hot dog in it.  More laughter.

     Pastor Wilkins gave a very nice ending speech and we were very grateful for his service.

Jake wrote this three days after Laura died and and six months before he died.

Laura
February 13, 2015 at 8:42am

I can't sleep, and all that's going through my head is a lot of memories and regret. I didn't know my cousin Laura as an adult .. all my memories save a few Facebook posts here and there were from childhood. So the person I knew, is different than for a lot of other people. To me, she's still mostly that kid, barely 4 months older than I am. Everything that happened pretty much from say .. 12 or 13 on .. I'd find out peripherally .. but wasn't really there.

I suppose that's where the regret comes from. I wonder .. if I'd reached out, if I'd tried to be there for her. I have more than a passing familiarity with dark thoughts. I went through a period where I thought about it .. so to a point, I understand it. Maybe if I'd .. .. intellectually, I know that I can't put that on myself. I know that .. but sitting in a dark room at 5 o'clock in the morning listening to music that's probably not helping .. isn't really making my brain fire the way it should. It's almost funny in a way .. I've spent the last several hours going between laughing hysterically, and crying .. which is a feat unto itself because I think the last time I cried like this, it was at the end of Armageddon. Shush, don't judge me.

I said somewhere before that I had both nothing, and a thousand things to say all at once. This is going to be the latter. All I can think about is things from when we were kids .. and it's all rattling around up there and please forgive me if it seems really disjointed. I figured it might do some good to get it out and at least try to celebrate the girl I remember (some of this is probably going to be from that other post .. I just want to have it all in one place).

You have to understand .. when I was a kid, I was the only boy cousin that was really around. Danny, Brian and Teresa lived far enough away that it was fairly rare that they'd show up to family things, and since for a while, I lived with my grandparents who were the center of the family world .. everything (and everyone) came to me. Being the only boy and an only child to boot, made things interesting. On the one hand, there was Carrie and Cherie. Both younger than I was, and by enough that at that age, it was hard to connect with them on anything other than being Cubs fans. On the other hand, there was Becky, Jean and Laura. Becky was old enough that she was too cool for us most the time, Jean was .. uh .. Jean. I vaguely remember her almost beating me up once because I said something disparaging about Hulk Hogan. Yeah, I remember that. Laura was only 4 months older than me .. and as far as I was concerned, the coolest person I knew. I wanted desperately to be one of the cool kids .. and the three of them were the cool kids.

Some things about the Laura I remember:

She was my first official dance. I was forced into it, I don't even remember the song. I don't even think it WAS a song. It was some weird "island music" by the pool at a Holidome in Indiana. There's a picture of it somewhere, and I believe I was as uncomfortable as I looked.

The Dead Cockroach position.

I remember watching in absolute awe as my Uncle Terry would do this weird crouch thing with his arm out .. and Laura would grab his hand and literally climb the man. I tried it once and ended up on my ass. I'm pretty sure she was part monkey.

There were two parks near my grandparents house, and her and I would often go to "the little park" which was essentially some monkey bars, a swing set and .. I think a merry go round that I'm pretty sure was lopsided. Laura was the one who dared me first to swing as high as I could .. and then jump off the swing. It was terrifying, but I still did it.

She was there when I had my first beer. Fourth of July weekend, and because the Willow Tree of Doom was spouting it's annual army of red ants .. we'd cover ourselves in Deep Woods Off. Clearly I wasn't paying attention and sprayed it right in my mouth. My Uncle Jim saw me gagging, and handed me a Bud Light .. in his mind, I'm sure he thought I was going to swish and spit. Yeah .. no. Of course I drank half of it .. and promptly threw it up. To this day the taste of beer makes me sick.

Was that the only time I threw up in Laura's presence? Of course not. Every summer at my grandparents .. a carnival came to "the big park" right at Fourth of July weekend. One year, I made the terribly mistake of going on a contraption called the Pirate Ship. Yes, this from a person who has a severe phobia of being upside down. That was also the first time I swore in front of a family member. My Aunt Kathy was sitting next to me, and as I was sure the ship was going to fly off and we were all screwed .. I started chanting "Oh Jesus, Jesus Christ .. " .. yes, that passed as cursing for me when I was 10. My aunt yelled at me, AS WE WERE DAMN NEAR UPSIDE DOWN mind you .. "Jake, only say that when you really mean it." ... "Oh Jesus .. Jesus Christ .. ". I followed that up with an ill advised ride on the Tilt-a-Whirl with Laura and Jean, because they wanted to go .. I barely made it off the ride before all my cotton candy ended up in the grass .. right next to a horrified Laura who'd just gotten down the stairs before me. I missed her by about 3 inches.

She was always better at the "Guess the next Firework" game than I was. It used to really piss me off. There was this huge fireworks thing that went off just behind my grandparents place, as part of the carnival. We'd all huddle together and when one would go off, you'd call out the color you thought it would be. She always totally kicked my ass. I'm pretty sure she had them pegged from the sound. I pretty much just always said blue. I was right at least a few times.

I have this vague memory of camping in Door County. I think it was Door County. I think that's the tape we have of Terry pouring beer in his ear. There was this monkey bar set thing there, and that was when Laura was going through her "I'll hang upside down from anything" phase.

Living with my grandparents, they'd often come to visit. My room would get turned in to a town, and we'd all have "jobs". I don't remember what I was, but I think Laura was always the Banker. It was a strange game.

After the cement got poured in the back, we'd play some wicked Four Square games. She had this crazy shot that always seemed to catch the corner. I'm pretty sure she played Four Square professionally and just never told anyone.

Ah, the Santa debacle. Heh. So for Christmas, since my room was quite large .. I'd temporarily move into "The Office" which felt like a somewhat decent sized closet .. and the girls would take my room over. Christmas Eve, Santa would of course come .. pass out things, and then leave. One year .. I'm in my "room/closet" just pulling my shirt off for bed, and in my room literally screaming comes Laura .. quickly followed by all the girls from that room. It seems "Santa" had used my room to get undressed .. and left his suit on my bed. So of course, everyone was concerned that Santa had met with some sort of foul play .. or was delivering presents naked. I'm not sure which freaked us out more. I rushed to get my Grandmother, who .. God bless that woman .. told me that Santa had gotten a stain on his suit, and had asked her to clean it for him and ship it back to the North Pole. I don't know if I ever told anyone in the family the rest of that story. After everyone left .. she made a point of having me help her wash it .. iron it .. and pack it in a giant suitcase. We used one of those label makers to put Santa Claus, North Pole on it .. because that's totally legit for mailing something. She took it to work the next day to "mail it" .. and it wasn't until a few years later that I found that suitcase again .. hidden in a back space behind the water heater in the laundry room.

Gardening. Remember gardening? My Grandfather was a gardener. Before he had one in his backyard, we'd have to drive to this field, where he rented garden space. We'd stop for water, so we could water the plants .. put the buckets in the car, and then drive waaaay to the back where the garden was. Laura and I would usually end up way in back .. so the water from the buckets would splash down our backs and we'd be soaked by the time we got there. Then there was the endless weeding .. and more weeding. Did I mention there was weeding?

I remember the night we found out my grandmother died. She'd been in a nursing home for a while by that point. All the adults got called in, and the kids all stayed at the house. I think part of me knew what was going on, but I wasn't old enough to just be told .. so I wasn't totally sure. Becky and Jean spent most the time running around the house cleaning. I think just to have something to do. Laura and I pretty much just sat there together.

Every year, we'd go to Six Flags Great America. It was Marriot's back then .. but still the same deal. Since it was only an hour and change from my grandparents .. we'd usually close the place out. I remember one year, probably a couple hours left to go, and we were on the log ride. When hit the bottom, and no one was there .. so the guy just let us go again. We probably went 10 or so times until we were done .. and then spent an hour on the swings. You know, that swing ride that just goes around in a circle? Yeah .. no one was in line .. so he just let it run. He'd stop it when a kid either wanted to get off, or a new kid came to get on .. but he just let it run.

We'd also go to the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago at least once a year. Laura, was obsessed with the phones. My god the phones. They had these phones EVERYWHERE. You'd pick it up, and some dude would talk about a thing, and in theory, you'd learn something. She'd run from phone to phone, just to make them start talking. I don't even think she'd listen to what they were saying. She just loved the damn phones .. and the button pushing.

After I moved to Wisconsin .. I'd go out to the Ward house and spend a few weeks, then a few weeks in Chicago with my other Aunt and Carrie and Cherie. Man, did things happen in Indiana. They had this dog house. Now, at the time .. there was no dog .. but the dog house was HUGE. I mean, big enough that I could crawl inside it .. and it wrapped around so if the dogs were inside, there was no way rain or snow could get in at them. So I'm in the dog house, messing around .. and Laura is telling me that I shouldn't be in there. I finally come out and trip. I stand up and my knee is gashed to crap. I mean, there was a giant hole in my knee (it would seem there was an old ham can mostly buried in the dirt and the corner bit me). She ended up having to help me inside where my Aunt Kathy put this .. I don't know what demon came up with it, but this .. stuff. It went around the outside of the wound, and I recall screaming a lot. I have vague pain filled memories of Laura thinking it was hilarious.

I remember the three of them telling me these terrible stories about Doctor Bonecrusher. Apparently he was some kind of doctor, and would steal children .. at least that's what I was told. I believe it turned out that he was a chiropractor.

We used to walk to the drug store right behind their house .. Hooks. Laura dared me to eat a thing of pop rocks and down it with a grape nehi. I couldn't swallow it because it exploded with fizz in my mouth and I spit purple all over the place.

I went corn detassling with them one summer .. and she taught me "The Elvis". You grab the corn stalk, wrap your hand around the tassel like it's a microphone .. and pull the whole stalk down in this crazy Elvis move. It was apparently a big thing over on the girls bus. On the boys bus .. yeah not so much.

Fighting over who got to sit in the "back back" of the Wardmobile.

Becky's softball games. Laura and I would usually go back to this park in the back that had some park equipment. One night I .. I don't even remember what happened. I remember going down the slide, and someone came down right behind me and kicked me in the back. Next thing I know .. it's five on one and I'm getting my butt kicked. She ran and got Kathy, and I was saved. Had a fat lip, but no major damage.

The camping trip of the damned. I'm not even sure how it came about. It was just Laura, Aunt Kathy, and I. I have no idea where Becky and Jean were. The three of us went to Turkey Run State Park. Kathy had bought some nifty "camp shower". It was essentially a plastic rectangle, that had an inflatable top, and bottom so it would .. in theory .. form a box so when you were inside it the walls didn't stick to you. It also had a bottle that was supposed to hang from a tree, that .. again, in theory .. the sun would hit and warm up the water .. so you'd have a nice warm shower. Yeah, none of that happened. After blowing up the pieces that were supposed to inflate, I spent a good hour fighting with it to get it to hang from the stupid tree. I finally get the bottle up there, and we go for a nice hike .. expecting the water to be nice and warm when we get back. Now, had I been thinking .. I'd have realized that the 2 gallon water jug thing was barely going to cover one person showering, let alone three, and only if that one person pretty much got wet, turned it off .. did soap and stuff .. and then turned it back on to rinse. So off hiking we go .. we get back and lo and behold .. the water is ice cold. Now, this didn't really matter .. because it seems that particular day was monsoon day at Turkey Run State Park. We all jumped in the car, and decided to just randomly go somewhere. There was a town nearby I remember, but we didn't actually have a destination in mind .. I just remember we were all hungry and thought we'd hunt for a McDonalds. After eating, we just drove around hoping the rain would stop. It didn't, but we passed this weird little mall that .. I swear, only had like 5 stores. We spent an hour in a store that I'm pretty sure just sold wallets. Finally the rain broke and we went back to our camp site. Side note .. that jug NEVER got warm. I kept checking. Even in direct sunlight all day. Nothing. Ice cold. Stupid shower thing.

We never agreed musically. I love Phil Collins.

Four hours later, I ask myself a simple question. Who was Laura? To me .. the coolest person I knew. She was always there when I'd manage to get in some sort of trouble, typically to mock me in that way she could where you still couldn't be mad at her. She always had that smile. Sometimes it had an evil glint to it, but it was always there. That's who she'll always be to me .. and I'll miss her. Return to the Memory Page     Return to Kathy's Home Page